Big Need

I see the sound of big need on my face
mirrored in the sleek black glass window
Its sicklewings spreading
belt-buckle divot pressed into my forehead
Like the pink half-moons of my thumb flesh
Sis is a furnace
I'm sluicing anguish
Greased up guts
Taste acid and horrible sour
The slightest slight shatters me

 
250 dollars an hour
Three-degree therapist
My words a soupy, half-formed egg yolk
Ashamed of how wet they sound when I speak them
She chews - neutralizes them and spits them back to me 
In slime-soaked beige
Now a signature, not a thumbprint

 
When bad things happen
Before bones and organs are finished
It’s too late, they fossilize
Then pay pay pay for careful extraction
Without nicking an artery
She’s a pixelated glitch in an armchair
A color with no smell

 
The radiator is a kettle that can’t come.
It stirs my blood.
You are terrifying in your happiness
Beautiful and awful
Amongst all these unbearable bodies

 
A chemical hurt bubbles up at once, chokes me.
A sneak of a flame.
I swallow it, scribble yellow pad
I want to vomit out the window and have it boomerang back into my throat
Clean.

 
Your promise was a lid 
I gladly lived under
Breathed through holes in the cardboard
Big eyes examining me
A shrinking violet
A pharaoh once.